I know how you feel. Some days, you feel like the world is weighing down on you, like you’ve had enough and are so exhausted, like you have no one around you to hold you, like you’re drowning but you’re still alive. On other days, it feels the complete opposite. My friend keeps telling me that each day is not the same. This day will go eventually. And a new day will begin. Such a simple line yet so beautiful and true. So, don’t define yourself by what you’re feeling now. Don’t hate yourself for breaking down. You’re strong and strength always surfaces when you need it the most. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. And someday, you will look back and think it was all worth it.
There are nights that are darker than others and sleep is a distant dream. Thoughts fill the night and there’s something to wonder. How do you live with something that is constantly trying to kill you? It’s taken some time to find the answer, but here’s a theory. You live with what ruins you from the inside, but insteading of fighting it, you embrace it. You embrace the cracks it has and fill it with love. How can you love something that kills you? You can. It’s a battle and you have to fight. You have to be a survivor. You have to keep going, because winning isn’t always about defeating the other, it’s also about embracing the fall and still not giving up. It’s about constant state of war where you’re still living. Winning is about surviving. As long as you’re fighting, you’re alive. Aren’t you one of those lucky ones who get their own battles to fight? Of course, you should be happy because it’s about being the one chosen strong enough to fight. Everyone is strong enough to fight their battles. Wear your scars as an honour. Wear your wounds as a medal. There’s so much to love about this battle and we’re just beginning. There’s something to love about the morning that follows too. Every day is a new one. Maybe in the morning your scars, wounds, and pain may shine like a star and it’ll be that wonderful day whn you realise that you’ve lived.
– Bezubaan (Coming soon)
The last leaf fell and I’m still here. Here, because I chose to grow again, rise again, live again. Why choose to survive when you can live? My glass has become foggy and I’m trying to write my own name. It won’t stay here forever. Just like you. My coffee is still warm and it’s making me smile, reminding me of days when I’d devote my love and time to it while also carving few words in my diary. Strong and wonderful, that’s how I’d describe it. You were the last leaf, fallen and gone. I could have painted you and you would have stayed. I did. I painted you in my words. But time has it’s own game to play and you had to leave. You left not knowing what I wrote in those pages of my diary, what I kept within myself, what I felt about you. You were my autumn, beautiful even when you were broken and I haven’t yet let you go. You’re still my autumn, a peaceful beauty.
– Bezubaan (Coming soon)
Yeah, you read it right. Let’s be weak.
Most of us would be familiar with the fact that being strong is considered good. If you’re strong, you can handle anything. You have to be strong because that’s desirable. It’s a compliment.
Being weak, on the other hand, is undesirable. It almost sounds like a mocking remark or something that’s said to make you feel inferior. Being weak isn’t, in any way, considered right or acceptable.
Weakness is important. It really is. It’s a way of letting go of all that you’ve held for long. Weakness is an outlet of suppressed emotions. You have to let yourself be weak and emotional. How are you going to be strong if you don’t allow yourself to be weak?
Every person is a mix of both, but not everyone accepts being weak even to themselves. This is what is important; accepting it to yourself, accepting yourself.
The perception shaping weakness is so wrong. Weakness is an integral part of our being and we need to change the perception for our own good, for our mental health.
It’s okay if you can’t go on and if you want to cry, but don’t give up. Take your time being weak and crying and fearing and hurting because once that passes, you’re going to make through. No matter what, you are going to make through anything and everything. Weakness doesn’t mean giving up. It means being strong enough to accept and face your feelings as they are. It means being strong enough to break so that you can mend again.
Weakness is cathartic.
I’m sure if my family or friends read this title, they’re going to start wondering what I’m talking about.
Before you all start wondering, I’ll explain.
We all know that the world has been in some of the most difficult times. There’s so much going on that some of us may have already lost faith in humanity. I, however, fell in love with it multiple times.
I’ve seen people who deserve nothing but all the love, people who deserve all the respect, people who demand nothing and give everything.
I was in a hospital for about a month last year. I met some incredibly beautiful people there. Doctors were amazing at their work. In a world where we are losing our faith in this industry, I had mine intact. The workers there, cleaners, nurses and literally just everybody knew me. They’d do their duty of taking care of me, but many times, mostly always, they’d go out of their way to care. If I haven’t thanked enough, I’d want to thank now. All of them, including my doctors, each person that ever came to see me, I respect you all not just for doing your job wonderfully, but also for being massively supportive.
Last year, roughly around this time, I met an old man. Sitting in the waiting area of the hospital that I went to after getting discharged from previous one, I was with my mother and aunt. Completely clueless about everything going on with me, I sat there looking hopeless. Just about a month back, I had a normal life. A month later, life was everything but normal. I couldn’t recognise myself. My face looked as if it was painted black with hopelessness, exhaustion. I was just not myself. That old man had no idea why I was there, looking extremely deplorable. He had no idea that I was not myself, that my life changed drastically in less than a moment. He asked us if I were sick and then said that I can’t be sick. He then asked me to sit beside him and I obliged. He told me that I am not a patient, that I am such a beautiful girl (I really wasn’t. I really was in a terrible condition). At that moment, I had nothing to say. I was so overwhelmed, I had no words to say. That man left soon. If I’d have to describe what hope looked like, then it’ll be him. I don’t know why he said what he said, but I do know that he’s always going to be in my heart. This is highly unlikely, but if you’re reading this post, uncle, know that all of it meant so much to me. It still does. I fell in love with humanity once again.
I was admitted for some days about a month after meeting the old man. I met a nurse there who was admitted as her hand was fractured. She had come to see me in my room and I’ve known her since then. One of my nurses needed help and she, with her fractured hand, helped out. Whenever she would see me, she’d smile. Little did I know, I met her once again months later when I got operated. I had just gained consciousness when I felt someone by my side asking me if I recognised her. I couldn’t see clearly, but I knew it was her. I don’t understand how I knew it, but I did even though I hadn’t seen her that day before going in for surgery. She was there looking after me. To that woman, thank you for being you.
My doctors at the current hospital I’m going to have been a significant part of my journey. They’ve been working on making me feel better since one year and they’ve worked hard. They have been a fighter along with me and my family. They’ve fought, they instilled hope in me, made me feel normal. They’ve been God sent miracles. They did and still do their job with so much honesty, they deserve to be appreciated.
My friends, I can’t thank them enough and without their quick action, I wouldn’t have been here at all. I think they’d know why I’m saying this. I love you all. You’ve redefined friendship and gave it so much of meaning.
My extended family is on the list too, especially some of the people who have been so incredibly supportive that I can never forget all my life. I know that family is something that’s supposed to be always by your side, but it’s important for me to mention this. There are some who’ve done so much for me that you cannot describe in words, especially my aunts and uncles. You can only respect them for it.
I also know of so many people who have prayed for me, called me to check on me, did all they could to make me feel better. They weren’t even related to me, but they were still there. All of them, they deserve all the respect.
My family friends and their two little beautiful kids have become family to me. Throughout the time that they’ve known me, they’ve been an incredible support, brought a smile to my face and made me happy. They’ve been there always and that matters. I don’t have many words to describe them, but I would definitely say they’re one of my million blessings. All the love to them.
I hope I’ve not missed anyone because it was important for me to talk about it. All these people have shown me that there’s a lot of hope in every person around you if only you could look at it. They’ve shown me it’s still possible to do so much for someone without asking anything in return. I respect each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.
I have to mention my parents too. My mother, who left her job to take care of me and stayed with me away from our home and my father who stayed alone for more than one year are two people who’ve taught me everything in life. They’ve taught me to be strong, to be kind, to give without asking anything in return, to love, to care, to understand and accept all, to appreciate whatever life gives and however it turns out to be. They’ve made me whatever I am today.
The list goes on. And I don’t think I can do justice to it because there are just so many people that made me realise life’s full of hope.
At every step, God paved the way for me to walk on. He opened one door after another and sent people to me who would do all to bring me to this stage in life.
All these people have made me feel loved massively, they’ve made me fall in love with humanity over and over again. They’ve made their own space in my heart and I shall keep them there forever.
I have my faith in humanity, in all the people and I know that there are so many of you out there defining hope for many others. I believe in you too. I believe in humanity.