Into the mind of an introvert

There are different kinds of introverts. Yes, there are. Just like we’re all different individuals, we’re different introverts too.

What kind of introvert am I? Let me explain.

I might be talking to you, doing some work, or I may be simply idle, yet I’ll zone out. It takes some seconds for me to realise I’d left reality and entered into a parallel universe. Zoning out is a fascinating phenomenon, especially when this happens while I’m in the middle of a conversation or any work.

It’s not necessary that I’m lost in some thought while I’m silent. For all you know, I may be singing a song in my head or I may not be thinking anything at all. I do some thinking while I’m talking, which isn’t as same as zoning out. It’s just thinking.

I’m a paradox. I’m simple, yet complex, even to myself. I feel everything intensely, yet feel nothing at all. I’m reserved and shy, yet outgoing as well. And the list goes on.

The feeling of numbness is not an alien feeling. I’ve felt it since forever. Let me explain this if you don’t already understand. Numbness is when you stop feeling anything or getting affected by anything. You may have a lot going on or you may come across something that should make you feel a certain kind of emotion, but you fail to feel it. You’re numb.

If I love people in my life, I’ll love them with all my heart, I’ll literally do everything for them. But if I’ve let you go, it’s taken a lot for me to do that. And when I let go, I’m never going back to it.

I’m not too great at staying in touch, but it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you. I don’t forget people. I might even contact you out of nowhere reminiscing about old times.

I see so many angles to any story and they all seem right in their own way. That’s something which is complicated, yet simple. I accept things and people the way they are. I’ll understand your reasons and everyone else’s who are involved in your story. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to look past what’s wrong. I’m honest and that’s why I choose to stay silent a lot of times. People don’t appreciate the truth many a time.

I’m a realist, but not pessimistic. I can be a little negative about myself, but that’s mostly because I’d want someone to oppose the negativity and tell me the positive idea that I want to hear.

I’m not indecisive or confused, though I may say I am. I’d be very certain deep down but would still have many layers of confusion mainly because I’d want my certainty to be reinforced.

I’m not spontaneous or impulsive, but sometimes I’d like to be. I follow my intuition and sometimes, it comes across as spontaneity, even when it is not.

For me, everyone is a good person. I’d know the bad in you, but I’ll keep giving chances to the good in you. I give a lot of chances.

I do not like the word ‘hate’. It’s too strong and evil. I do not like the word ‘ugly’ too for the very same reason. Also, they’re both insensitive.

I’m not good at expressing. My way of expressing is through writing. Words have become an incredible friend of mine. When it comes to speaking, it’s difficult many a time.

I think a lot. I analyse a lot. Both of them can be a gift and a curse. It depends on how you’re taking it. It doesn’t take much time for me to dwell deep into thoughts.

I’m my worst critic. I’m way too sensitive to others than I am with myself. It’s not unusual for me to be pretty harsh with myself.

I also have problems trusting people. I can’t trust people easily. Trust is a rare thing.

I’m also adamant, very adamant. If I know I’m right, there’s no way you can change my opinion. But if I’m wrong and you prove it to me, I’ll accept it.

If you’ve read this much and are acquainted with MBTI, you’d know by now that I’m an INFJ. You’d also know how flawed we are, how difficult it is to understand ourselves sometimes.

It’s like a battle you’re fighting with yourself. No victory, no loss. A constant battle of a lifetime. At the same time, it’s all you know to be, the only person you actually can be. And in so many ways, you really just want to be the same.