When something can break you, it can also unleash a power in you to put it back together. I’m not the only person to go through a life-changing event. My complex mind had its own way of comprehending it. The reason I talk about my life is not to gain sympathy, it’s to convey that no matter what happens, you’ll always have the power in you to turn it around. For a dreamer like me, it could’ve meant the end of dreams and ambition. But it wasn’t. Not yet. Not ever.
One day, in December 2014, I looked back at my life wondering how beautiful this journey has been. As a student, I had achieved one of the top positions in school, and gained entry into a leading college in India. As a daughter, I made my family proud. I was blessed with amazing and supportive people who were like family to me. Life was ‘perfect’, way too perfect to be real. Until one day, it started changing. A serious health issue came calling. It knocked me out, almost. Three surgeries for intestinal rupture and blood clots in the lung followed. I do not wish to dwell on it any further, but will look at positives from the experience.
That life-threatening incident turned out to be the most wonderful phase of my life. In a quirky way, it was even comical. I began to laugh more. Lying on the hospital bed under bright white lights, I closed my eyes and relived happy moments of my past.
The ‘perfect’ phase I mentioned earlier was beautiful for all the people I had met and the memories I had stored in my mind. I was the most vulnerable and the strongest I had ever been. This was the phase that gave me more experience than I had ever gathered in all these years. This was the phase that completely shattered the protective glass that covered me. It crushed the girl I had been. I am thankful.
The shattered glass, I want no more. The crushed girl has now been mended. What’s left is a new strength and will. To me, the phase post surgery is closer to my heart than any other when I experienced both fear and fearlessness. I was satisfied. It made me complete.
Initially, I would get frustrated thinking my life’s over. What’s the point of going on? I dragged myself to live after the surgery. Those days were the most frustrating – I didn’t know if the fight was with destiny or myself. I had quit college, left the place of many memories, and moved away from life on campus.
Today I know that nothing is over. Life has just begun. When a story ends, it leaves behind a ‘phrase’, a phrase that is the beginning of a new story. I know why I dragged myself to live and fight. Destiny does what’s the best for you. I know I will still have moments of weakness and vulnerability, but from now on I know that when you’re in pieces you learn to glue them it back together.
I had won awards in the past, but nothing was more rewarding than this experience. I realise that my only achievement in life has been making it through five difficult months and accepting the transformation. It satisfies me. I like picking up all the broken pieces, wherever they’ve fallen, and gluing them back together. The cracks between the pieces are beautiful. It’s an imperfect life, but is perfect for me.
What’s more important is to know that there will be more times of breaking and losing, but I will pick up the pieces and mend myself. I will begin again.